Parenting Tips

       
  I have a biting problem.  What can I do?

  When children bite, parents feel very concerned and many times don't know an effective way to handle it. Biting can occur when least expected, and the victims can be loved ones, other children or even strangers. It helps to think about why children bite and what it helps them to accomplish. Then we can use this information in dealing with biting.

  Children bite for many reasons. Infants may bite to "taste" another child and because there is something there to bite. This biting is not intentional in any way, but just a way of exploring their world. Toddlers and 2-year-olds usually start biting out of frustration: They want something someone else has, or someone is trying to get what they have. Often they are angry and don't know how else to show it.

  Children soon discover that biting works! Other children give in after being bitten. As a bonus, biters may get attention from adults. If children are bored, they sometimes seek any attention they can get - even negative attention - to make things more interesting.

What to do

  If your child starts biting, you will want to respond promptly. Immediately stoop or kneel down to the child's level and grip the child firmly by the shoulders. Look the child directly in the eye and say firmly, "No, you cannot bite! Biting hurts!" Then turn away. Focus your attention on the victim.

  This method works because it does not allow the child to enjoy a reward from biting and does not give enough attention to promote the use of biting to get your attention.

  If a child bites once, he or she may try again. After the first bite, keep an eye on the child to stop the next attempt. Step in and handle the attempted bite exactly as you would have if your child actually bit. If the child is old enough to use words, you can say, "When you feel like biting, use words," "I'll help you not bite."

  Two's need a firm, disapproving voice saying, "You may not bite people. Teeth are for eating. Use your teeth for eating. You have hurt Suzi and made her cry. You must sit here until you are ready to play without hurting."

  Talk with your child's caregiver. Work together on a plan to stop the biting so that the child receives the same message at home and at the child care program.

  Try to remember that a child who bites is not on a path toward being a discipline problem, a bad person, or a cannibal. Biting is an act of a child who is not yet equipped to be fully social, it is an act of a child just beginning life as a citizen.

What not to do

  People have tried many ways to stop biting over the years, and some claim success with various methods. However, most of these methods have serious drawbacks.

  Don't bite the child back. How can you teach children not to bite by biting them? What they are most likely to learn is "Don't bite someone bigger than you" or "Don't bite someone if you will be caught." Never bite a child to show him that it hurts. Adults are important role models. Think about what a biting adult teaches a child. Never tell a child who has been bitten to bite back. Violence is not the way to react to violence.

  Don't ignore the biting. Ignoring a behavior works well for some annoyances that children use to get your attention, but biting causes physical pain and must be stopped.

  Don't wait until later to correct the biting or expect someone else (your spouse, the child's caregiver) to handle the problem. Children have short memories and if you delay the response, the child will not be able to connect the biting to the correction. Besides, the child may continue biting in the meantime and get additional attention from others.

  Don't humiliate or shame the child for biting. This only makes the child feel worse and does nothing to prevent the problem.

Take a broad view

  With biting, as with any inappropriate behavior, it's important to look at the problem from the child's perspective and get the big picture.

   Is your child tired, hungry, or physically uncomfortable? At ages 1 and 2, children cannot always express their needs and resort to biting.

   Is your child bored? At this age, children are driven by their curiosity and need to explore the world? Plan activities that interest and challenge the child.

   Does your child get enough positive attention? By talking to your child and giving lots of hugs when he or she is behaving well, your reinforce good behavior.

   Is your child getting mixed messages? Some parents use biting and growling in play as a way of showing affection. Children may be too young to understand when biting is acceptable and that biting can hurt.

   Do you allow your child to express angry and aggressive feelings appropriately? Encourage the child to use words to express anger instead of biting someone. Have mud or play dough available to pound to help release hostile feelings.

   Is your family experiencing stress? Children can sense trouble and will act our pent-up feelings. Give your children comfort and reassure them of your love. If necessary, seek help from a family counselor.

 

What if your child gets bitten?

  Biting is a fairly common problem in child care, but when your child is the victim, you may feel especially angry and upset. You may worry about your child's care and safety.

  Talk to the caregiver about the incident. Find out what led to the biting and what the caregiver is doing to keep your child from being bitten again. Insist on close supervision.

  It does seem that incidents of biting among children are on the rise. This may simply reflect the fact that more children are in child care, or that young children are under more stress, or some combination of the two.