Parenting Tips

 
     I dread going out in public and going to the grocery store is the worse. What can I do? It is so embarrassing!

     Think of what it must be like to go to the grocery store at two…….If two tries to do what he sees others doing: taking things off of the shelves, picking up the fruit and dropping thin: taking things off of the shelves, picking up the fruit and dropping things in the shopping cart - he gets told, "no." Doing the shopping takes a long time and it is hard to just sit nicely and quietly in the cart and wait……and then that long line at the checkout counter. Is it any wonder that two gets frustrated, and stressed? Two can't say to you, "I love being with you Mom/Dad, but going to the store takes such a long time. It is so hard to sit quietly and not touch anything, especially when every one else is touching and getting the things that they want. It is especially hard to sit in the shopping cart when I am hungry or tired. I am getting really frustrated and want to do something else. You say that I have to sit here and I don't know what else to do but scream. Screaming works pretty well, I soon have your attention and the attention of everyone else around me.

     Remember, the longer we shop, the harder it is for me to behave in a way that pleases you.

Suggestions that may help

     Try to go to the store when your child is rested and not hungry.

     Avoid the busiest time of day. Try to time your shopping during the slow hours to avoid long lines at the checkout counter. It is especially hard for your child to see all of the candy within his reach.

     Many times it helps to prepare ahead of time. Try talking to your child about the "grocery-trip" before you leave.

     Let him help with the shopping list. Together you can look in the refrigerator to see if you need things like milk, juice, cheese, eggs etc. You could check together if you need cookies or other favorites. Say things like, "I need you to help me remember that we need to get juice etc. Two's love to help especially if they can be in control of picking out an item. If you are comfortable with it, let two choose the juice, cheese etc. when you get to the store.

     Also while you are at home, spend a few minutes talking about the "going to the store rules: using our "inside voices", not running in the aisles etc. If your child is a "young-two, " have your talk in the car before you go in. An "older-two" can remember longer and you can begin your talk at home.

     If you have been having problems consistently with tantrums in the store, explain that if he has a tantrum, you will have to leave the store right then. Also tell him that if the trip goes well, without any screaming, you will read a story together (or another enjoyable activity) as soon as you get home.

     Once you are at the store, involve your child in the shopping. If like most of us, you don't have a shopping list, talk about the things that you need to buy. Involve your child in looking for it. For example, if you say you need to buy bread, as you approach the bread aisle say, "Help me look for the bread." When your child spots the bread, praise him for his sharp eyes and ask him to help you look for the bread to buy. When you take it off of the shelf, give it to your child to put into the basket saying, "Please put the bread in the cart, remember we have to handle bread very gently or it gets squished.'" Continue your shopping with as much child involvement as possible.

     As your child gets older, they can be even more involved. Let them pick out two bananas, four oranges and help chose the kind of apples they would like to have.

     If you are having problems with your child wanting everything in sight, make up a shopping list in advance being sure to include some treats for him. Sometimes you may have to do this in the car, just before going in. Before leaving the car and entering the store say, " Now remember, we are only buying things that are on our shopping list." When in the store and he asks for other things, remind him of the shopping list that you made together and say, "that we only buy things that are on our shopping list."

     If despite planning the tantrum occurs. Try this. Get down to his level physically, look at him calmly (try hard) and firmly, saying "You will have to stop crying or we will have to leave the store. Do you want me to pick you up to help you stop crying?" Remember that if you try this, you must be ready to leave the store. Note: It helps to repeat silently to yourself while you are dealing with a tantruming child, "Firmness without anger. Firmness without anger. "

     Help……How about some tips to help when we go to a restaurant?

     Try to think about going to a restaurant from your child's perspective.

     Children don't have to sit quietly for a long time before they eat at home. Also it is harder to sit quietly, when you are hungry. It is much easier on your child (and yourself) if you avoid going out-to-eat when your child misses a nap or is just out-of-sorts. Young children have a hard time waiting and it is especially hard if they are not involved in something and if the adults are talking to each other ignoring them.

     Before you go in, talk with your child about what is expected in the restaurant.

Use their quiet "restaurant voice" so that we do not disturb others.

Must they sit at the table, or will they be allowed to wander? Some parents are comfortable if their child walks around. The decision depends on the circumstances. Children should be taught that at some restaurants, remaining at the table is a must.

      If possible, try to avoid the busiest times at the restaurant. It takes sooooooo long when they are busy.

     It helps to bring along crackers for your child to snack on while he waits.

     Bringing a book, small toys or crayons and paper are great. They work even better if the adult colors, reads or plays with the toys also. Remember you are trying to make the long wait go peacefully as most young children get into the most trouble before their food arrives. Save your talking to the other adults when the food is there.

     Some parents have some special small "restaurant surprises" that only comes out when at a restaurant. Examples might be crayons of a special color, special paper, special book or a wind-up toy. They are great!!

     Don't worry about nutrition here. Let children order their favorites. The better they like what they get, the better and quieter they will eat. This is also not the time to insist that everything be eaten in order to have ice cream.

     Try not to linger over coffee and in-depth conversation. Use this time to enjoy your child and talk with him. It is hard for children to sit still once their hunger has been satisfied

From your child's perspective: Looking at Temper Tantrums and Losing Control

     When I lose control and start screaming and shrieking, it is so scary. I just know that I feel awful inside and am so scared that things will never be OK again. Sometimes I feel so awful that I begin to hit someone I love and if I am not stopped from hitting, I feel ever worse inside. I need to know that there is someone who loves me who will stop me from doing what is wrong until I can learn to do it myself. When I am feeling so awful inside, it is very hard for me to stop myself and I may need to scream and cry for awhile to get the bad feeling out.

Some Suggestions

     Acknowledge the "out-of-control" behavior. Remaining calm, try saying, "I know you are mad, it is OK to be mad. You will be OK." Repeat it twice and back off for a bit.

     If your child hits you, speak very firmly and say, "You may not hit me. It is OK to be mad, but it is not OK to hit.' Repeat it again, very firm and strong. You must get it across that hitting you is never, never acceptable. If your child continues to hit you, walk away saying, "I will not let you hit me. I will not stay by you and let you hit me." Let your child continue crying and screaming awhile longer and remain out of reach.

     After an interval, help the tantrum end by saying, "It is time to stop now. I will help you." Ask if it will help for him to sit on your lap, or if you go outside together or some other distracting behavior.

Cooling-Off Period

     Many parents find that it helpful to deal with "at-home" temper tantrums by a "in-room cooling-off." It works like this. Lead (or carry) the child (trying to be calm and firm) to his bedroom. Tell him, he may come out when he has stopped screaming and crying. When the child returns, cheerfully say that you are happy to see him and then go on from there. Remember - it is over, so don't still be angry.

     If a child refuses to stay in his room until the tantrum is over, you may need to remain in the doorway to insure that he doesn't leave until he is quiet. I used to keep a book ready for times like this, and sit on the floor, across the doorway and read until all was quiet. (Pretending of course, as if you could enjoy reading with a child screaming - but the idea is to act like you are not minding and are just enjoying the reading. I sometimes would say, "It is so nice to have time to sit and read my book." Crying would usually stop very rapidly - my theory is that my children just didn't want to see me having such a nice time, sitting and reading. All I know is that it really worked. I applied this "enjoying my reading technique" to many things including siblings arguing in the car - I just pulled over, stopped, said, "I can't drive safely while you are fighting etc. so I will just enjoy reading until you have stopped." Note: this worked until approximately 7^th grade - guess kids just don't enjoy watching me having a reading break.)

     A variation on this technique - is for the parent to go into their room or even the bathroom and shut the door. Caution: this only works if another responsible person is in the house. Calmly and firmly say, "Your screaming is hurting my ears. I am going into my bedroom (or bathroom) and closing the door and read my book (remember the book). When it is quiet, I will come out.